First off let me start by saying that if there are any "friends" out there that still have me on their list after all these years - I'm sorry I lost touch and thank you for not forgetting me (at least I hope you haven't, LOL). Yeah, I'm back. I've deleted most of my old entries except for two that were important dates to me, and worth keeping. My deadjournal is still out there, with all the old Dallas memories and events, but... I'll always keep that around just for reflection I suppose.

I quit writing in my online journals a few years ago when someone I was dating told me that I was living in a fishbowl because of the things I wrote and letting everyone know what's in my head and heart. Sharing my life with the world, I suppose. So I quit writing. I haven't written in years and tonight, I return. I have to get some things out of my mind and off my chest and try to sort them out, and this has always been my therapy. It helps me to sort my thoughts by writing them all out, and honestly - I don't care if the world does know my life. More often than not, it helps to get some views from others "outside the box" so to speak. So I'm back, and plan on writing much more often again.

In late October of 2007, I reunited with an old acquaintence I had met in California in 2002 who was going through the same situation I was at the time - a terrible relapse. He got me through some very hard days and was there for me when I was scared of everyone else in my life. We instantly became close and counted/depended on each other to get us through each day that came. With each email it seemed as though we'd known each other forever and with each phonecall, we grew to need each other more and more to keep us both on the right track and heading in the right direction with our lives. Shortly after, we planned a time for us to see each other face to face again. I planned a trip to his new home, Las Vegas, and on December 13 we reunited once again, in a much more "real" environment than the phone and internet chats we had been having multiple times per day. I spent 5 days in Vegas, and I'll be honest - for the first three I wondered where the guy I had talked with on the phone and online had gone to. It was one big party and he was not familiar to me nearly as much as I had originally thought. But then something clicked on the third day as we went to see Buckcherry's 300th show at the House of Blues. That night, and the last two days, were picture perfect. And I realized that my "falling" for him via chats online and the phone was much more real now that I had him in my arms, even though at that point, he hadn't fallen for me at all. I left Las Vegas in tears, two xanax in hand to allow me to sleep through the depressing plane ride home. Well, to leave out some things that are just too long to type, we agreed to officially "be together" and call ourselves taken. Neither of us could have been happier. We started trying to figure out how to deal with the 1,500 miles between us and came to the conclusion that I was going to relocate to Las Vegas. It was a whimsical decision, one that I would have made years ago without even thinking twice. We agreed that he would come to stay here for a month and finish the book he was writing (his life story), and allow us to have the time to see if it would work between us. Well, to make a long story short, on January 19 I drove to Dallas to pick him up at the Greyhound station, and our adventure truly began.

The first two weeks were wonderful, other than the fact he was sick once he got here after being on a bus for two days. Once recouperated, we were both blissfully happy and life really couldn't have been any better. He met all my friends and everyone seemed to get along, and my "family" of close friends welcomed him with open arms and the best of thoughts. Two weeks later, we encountered our first challenge, one that would last much longer than anticipated. The drummer of the band I manage (my best friend's band), was moving to Memphis from Reno and needed a place to stay while he got "on his feet" in a new city. I had agreed prior to Chris even coming here that I'd allow him to stay for a bit to establish himself. So we acquired a roommate, and our "home" we had to ourselves was now shared with someone we both barely knew, who was sleeping on the couch, in my 1 bedroom loft. Space was limited, to say the least. The lack of privacy quickly began to cause issues and hostility in the house. At this point, I also realized how far my life had come in the past six years. And realized that I just had too much going on, and was happy with my life here... I didn't want to leave it all behind again to start over in Vegas. We talked about it, and he agreed to stay here and work on our relationship even though I would not be moving to Vegas.

Without going through months of details, things started out dreamy - and progressively just got worse and worse over the course of the next few months. There was conflict everywhere.
Alcohol and egos began to run rampant in my life and Chris and my best friend (another guy, Kelli) were no longer getting along at all (even though they were in the same band). With the both of them demanding as much of my time as humanly possible, I started to wear out fast. Chris and I would be fine one day and barely speak to each other the next. The situation at home having to share the house got old after a couple months (it went on for 4 months total), and life just became chaos for everyone involved. Our relationship began to go downhill as my friends all started deciding that I "deserved better" and that they just wanted nothing to do with him. I was finding myself in the worst spot imaginable - trapped between a man who I truly loved, and my closest friends who have been right beside me through all sorts of un-mentionable things over the years. Chris had fallen deeply in love with me by that point, and was solely dependent on me as I was the only person he knew in Memphis and thus even more demanding of my affections, attention, and time. I was being torn apart mentally, emotionally, and nearly physically, it felt on most days. And I just started withdrawing from as much of it as I possibly could. I tried everything I could think of to get everyone just to the point of being able to tolerate each other - for my sake if nothing more - as the people in my life that I truly loved. I failed miserably. My relationship was fading fast, my friendships were on edge for some, and worse with others.... and I lost sight of which way was up. Chris started to believe that my love for him had dissipated because of fights and arguments we had had over the course of it all.... which wasn't the case. I just couldn't get anyone to understand that I couldn't possibly choose between friends who I couldn't imagine my life without, and a man though full of issues beyond the scope of most anyone's comprehension - I had fallen in love with. Yes he has a past that's in a book anyone would feel filthy after reading.... Yes he's an alcoholic... Yes he's got the most severe addictive personality I've ever encountered. Yes there were days I felt like the most worthless piece of shit on the earth and just wondered if everyone else was right....

...and there were others when I'd walk through the door from work to see his face smiling so sweetly at me, feel his arms wrapped around me like we were the last two people on earth, and lost myself in a kiss that I'd waited for all day - and I remembered what it felt like to be in love - unconditionally. To love someone knowing ALL their faults (when you've read their life story 10 times to proofread - you can't help but take in all the things you never want to know)... hold them at their lowest points... and love them even MORE through it all - ..... that's the kind of love that comes from deep within a heart and is nearly impossible to let go of no matter HOW much bad shit happens.

On May 5, the call came. One though we'd talked about and knew to expect, we both thought would never come. His probation officer had called and he had to go back to Vegas to report in. The future was uncertain and we had less than 24 hours to come to terms with the fact that the life we had come to know as our own - was about to feel like only a dream. I had become so numb by that point that nothing phased me or hurt anymore. Until he told me that he had to leave. The tears were uncontrollable for both of us and we got closer in 1 night than we had in 2 months together. If every day could have been like the last one, I wouldn't be writing this journal entry. I know the road goes both ways - the problems we had were as much my fault as they were his. We agreed he would go and tie up his loose ends out west, and would return as soon as it was all taken care of so we could have our fair chance together - without someone on the couch and intertwining our private life with our social lives. As we spent our last night together, we made some very heavy promises to each other. I'll never forget the look in his eyes that night as neither of us wanted to fall asleep and miss a single moment that we had left together. He promised to go back and get his life in order and tie up his loose ends there. I promised to be "roommate-less" by the time he would be coming back, so that we could actually have a HOME for just the two of us and a fair chance at a "normal" relationship. He promised not to slip back into his old ways of alcoholism and gambling constantly, and we both promised to stay as far away from any narcotics as we could. That goes without saying, we also both promised to remain loyal and faithful to each other in our absence.

Every day since he's been gone, he's felt farther and farther away. I'm used to dealing with long distance relationships (after one that lasted two and a half years), but this one has just been different. I guess because we had lived together and at that point - spent four months together, it wasn't the same to just say "see ya next time" and still feel whole in our hearts. I have tried for three weeks to convince myself that I didn't care, that it was better for us to just go our own ways, that things could never work between us because though we are much alike - we live in different worlds. I tried as hard as I could to convince myself I didn't really truly love him. And after me trying ridiculously to pull myself farther away from him, and a night that held too much alcohol for him - we had one last huge fight and called it quits. Terrible, hurtful, hateful things were said and found ourselves at the end of our journey. Only left with empty promises. After taking the time to calm down and discuss a few things like adults, we agreed to be "friends" and that we always wanted each other in our lives in at least that capacity. We have both tried to talk ourselves into believing that's how we truly felt, though I think somewhere deep down we both know better. There are too many questions still left unanswered between us.

After several quiet days and nights of being left with my own thoughts, I've come to realize that I'm just lying to myself. I'm not ready to let go. I can't bear the thought of never seeing his smile again. Of never holding him tight in my arms again. Of never feeling his skin against mine another night, or his kiss first thing in the morning. I can't bear the thought of all the dreams we had for a life together were nothing more than pipe dreams. I can't stand to think of him with someone else, saying "I love you" to anyone else, or even just the thought of him alone to face the world. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why this hurts so much and why I feel so strongly about it, and the conclusion I've come to after tracing it all the way back - is this:
He was at the bottom of the hole of life at the same time I was. Drugs and other various addictions controlling our lives at the same time both six years ago when we first met, and again just five short months ago. I managed to find a way to pull myself out of that hole as much as I could. I got a chance, and I can't stop believing that he deserves that chance too. He was doing so much better when he was here, and was really starting to move his life forward and I've done nothing but send him backwards by trying to deny my heart. The fact that there were a lot of bridges burned while he was here, makes it even harder. To continue on, would mean distancing some of my closest and best friends who don't understand how I can feel like everyone deserves a fair chance at a happy life. Maybe I do have too big of a heart, maybe it's a case of "love is blind"... but until I feel like I've done all I could and we have had a fair chance, I just can't stand the feeling of letting go. And so, I'm stuck in the worst emotional scenario of my life to date. Torn between those I love most in this world, and it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Somehow, I must find an answer. With boundaries, and guidelines, surely - but there's gotta be an answer out there somewhere that allows ME to be happy in the end.

Again, I was right. Just typing this out has helped me put things into perspective and given me more to think about tonight as I try to sleep (probably unsuccessfully).

Well I wasn't sure if I was gonna make the show or not after wrecking my car last week. But then after much deliberation, I decided that I just needed to get out and have a night of fun, and that'd be priceless to me. Now I am so glad that I did!!! Never did I imagine how much fun it would really be!

Around noon I had mom take me up to the car rental place so I could rent a car for 24 hours. They put me in a 2003 Cavalier, not a bad little car, after all it DID get me to nashville in just a little over 2 hours (a 200 mile trip).. hehe
So I was about halfway into the drive when of course SaintWicked started calling with his "where are you" 's..... LOL He was already at the club and was in the parking lot on the phone with me when Darrell walked out to the bus, he told Darrell I was on the phone and I told Darrell I'd be there in about an hour. I pushed the gas down a little harder.. I couldn't wait to get there.

Finally about 6:45pm I managed to get to the club. Met up with SaintWicked and stood out front watchin the guys in WASP do their soundcheck and then went back around to the bus to try and catch Darrell.. of course when I yelled at him, he didn't hear me. *Grrrr* So I said ok fine I'm hungry, let's just go eat and I'll keep tryin to call him. SaintWicked and I headed across the street to the Sushi Bar. I finally got a hold of Darrell, and he said he didn't hear me yelling at him. (go figure!) He asked where we were and I told him that SW and I were across the street eating Sushi... he said "Nashville sushi? that kinda scares me"... about that time he walked thru the door of the sushi bar and SW said "awwww shit". I turned around and there he was. :D Gave him a big hug and poor guy just felt miserable. He said he'd put me plus 2 on the guestlist so SW and I tried to figure out who we could call to come.. finally we decided to call Cris (MoonPriestess) since it was her birthday and offer the free ticket.
We headed back across to the club after dinner, and I noticed I had just missed a call from Darrell. Odd since we had just seen him, but I called him back. He told me that he had a friend from LA who was there, by herself, and asked if SW and I would go talk to her and hang out with her. Of course we would!!! We're sociable damnit! LOL So we went and met Carrie, who's now my favorite bestest bud! Oh man we were like - insta-friends... just add alcohol! hahaha...

We got in the club and got our spots right in front of Darrell's micstand against the barrier. The guys in WASP put on a GREAT show and we had suchhhh a blast! During the break before the encore, Darrell tapped Carrie on the shoulder around the corner and gave us all 3 a beer. That was sweet of him!!!! After the show was over, we got the setlist for SW since he's such the WASP fan, I bought a shirt for Carrie and I, and a keychain for SW. Saw Theresa, Charlie, and Craig hangin out and said hi to them for a bit. Then we went out back to wait for Darrell so we could hang out during loadout. Finally after a meeting inside they came out and we stood and talked around the bus while the guys signed autographs until about 1:45 or so when the band decided it was time to head to Indianapolis. It was great being able to finally meet Darrell and hang out even if for just a short time. Poor Carrie was so upset he was leaving again, so as the bus was pulling out I took her across the street to go potty so she wouldn't have to see them actually leave. When we got back, SW had already taken off and she and I decided to go find something to eat so that we could sober up. I had had about 10 beers, and she'd had a few red bulls & vodka as well as beers herself, so we had to regain our composure. LOL After driving around downtown Nashville absolutely lost tryin to find an IHOP or Denny's that'd be open still, we ended up right back at the club at the little italian joint across the street, which was still open. We both ordered calzone's... which were fuckin' HUGE!!! I got 3 meals out of the damn thing! We sat and talked and just got to know each other better. Carrie is such a sweetheart, I am SOOOO Glad we got to meet her and hang out!!!!!! We know a lot of the same people in Hollywood, which was cool. We became good friends instantly... and talked about a lot of stuff. Girl, you are the greatest! I love you!!!! :D We have DEFINATELY got to hang out again soon!!!!!!!

Anyway, so about 3:40 Carrie and I decided we were sobered up enough to go home. I had a 3 hour drive ahead of me, and was just ready to get home and go to bed. So I said goodbye to Carrie (I didn't want to!) and set the cruise control at 74 and just followed a semi truck the whole way home. I didn't really start gettin sleepy till the sun was coming up, and finally pulled into my driveway at 6:45am. Man, what a lonnnnggggggg night! But it was a great one. The only thing that could have made it PERFECT was if my baby had been able to go with me :( Ah well, maybe next time.

I slept most of the day today, had to get up to take the rental car back of course, and get my pics developed. We couldn't take pics during the show (club said no-no), but we got some outside afterwards. Thanks to everyone who was there, for such a great time!!!!!!

we got the news today that my cousin Carola passed away early this morning. They tried everything they could, but the cancer had already taken over her body. It was literally everywhere. So sad... makes me scared in a way. She died of breast cancer just as her mother (my mom's sister) did. She was diagnosed less than a year ago, and waited too long to decide whether or not to have her breast removed. They finally did remove it, but it was too late. It had spread everywhere.... her lungs, throat, nose, ovaries.... even into her bones. My mom had breast cancer too, back in 86, but fought it and won, thank God., .... cancer is some scary stuff. But Carola is with her mother in Heaven now, which is reassuring.
Of course we won't be going to the funeral, as she was in Holland (the Netherlands). But please, everyone say a prayer for her soul and that she is no longer in the incredible amount of pain she had been living with for the past year.

Carola Van Gilst
RIP 2-23-04

Diet Tracker - I've lost 13 lbs so far! :) Adam, you may bitch about the stuff, but it works for those of us who need it! LOL
I'm tickled pink. Even with all the stress I've had lately, I haven't caved and have lost another 13 lbs. It's coming off so fast... I can't believe it! I guess when you get rid of something/someone that's been weighing on your shoulders for so long, it really makes a difference!!!!!!!!!!
New pics to come soon. :)

And more info on my life the last 2 weeks coming soon as well, soon as I have time to write it down! I've been so happy with my newfound freedom again that I haven't had time! Sorry guys... I still love you! XOXOXOO MUAH!

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla

we got this handout in my development class tonight, and it really touched me and made me think. Wanted to share it with everyone. This can really be applied to everyone you know, and in an ideal world, would be the way of everyone. I know at least, I wish some people would really understand this. This sums up pretty much, what it means, or at least SHOULD mean, to be a compassionate and understanding human being. I have made it my personal goal to try and abide by this in my life, and I hope you all will as well.


DIFFERENT DRUMS AND DIFFERENT DRUMMERS

If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my
want is wrong.

Or if I believe other than you, at least pause before you correct my
view.

Or if my emotion is less than yours, or more, given the same
circumstances, try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.

Or yet if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for
action, let me be.

I do not for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That
will come only when you are willing to give up changing me into a
copy of you.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend or
your colleague. If you will allow me any of my own wants, or
emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that
some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might
finally appear to you as right - for me. To put up with me is the
first step to understanding me. Not that you embrace my ways as
right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed
with me for my seeming waywardness. And in understanding me you
might come to prize my differences from you, and, far from seeking
to change me, preserve and even nurture those differences.

I know it's been a long time since an update. I changed jobs, started being a nanny fulltime for a friend of mine. I'm watching 3 kids now all day long, the oldest, Ben, is 8. Savannah is 5, and Katelyn is 4. Precious kids, they've had a rough time in life, their father committed suicide in June, but considering all they have been through, they are doing well. Here's a picture of them. Savannah (the blonde), Ben, and Katelyn (the redhead)

The other girl I babysit on the weekends, Baylee, is 4, and the happiest, cutest kid I"ve ever seen. I love her to death. She's so extremely animated. Kid is going to be a heartbreaker when she grows up. Here's a shot I took of Baylee. (pretty sad, I'm showing off everyone else's kids huh)

Anyway, I took Savannah and Katelyn to the park today, and as I sat in the swing (yes I was swinging), couldn't help but notice all the children, how absolutely precious they were, so happy, yelling "Mommy!" and "daddy come look!"....

And then last weekend , I got to see my best friend again. We've known each other since we were 3 years old, it was wonderful to see her again. So many happy memories came flooding back, and even she has that young face looking up to her now. I couldn't believe it.... I was so happy for her, and yet....
it made me sad. I guess my biological clock is really ticking lately. All of the girls in my classes are pregnant, and so excited and glowing, so happy about life. The others, people who have recently become my friends (and employers in a way), have their children and love them so much. I long to have a family, a real one, again. To have a precious little hand to hold, a life to mold, just to have that blessing in life that I don't know I will ever be able to have. And even tonight, the lady in class that was bawling only weeks ago as we discussed abortion, telling us doctors had told her she'd never be able to bear a child, revealed to us that she found out last night, she is pregnant. Why is there hope and resolution for everyone but me?
It hurts. I cry everytime I think about it. Will I ever find that special someone to have a family with? Have I already found him, and yet have just been put on an indefinate hold? I think I have, I don't know, and I guess that's the other part of what has me upset lately. So many things still unanswered, still on hold, just... waiting. For what, I really don't even know.
I've had the most horrible dreams recently. I don't know if it's the new pills I'm taking or just my mind setting in. The depression of winter has me down, lonely, and wishing I could see the future of my life, and what is to come. My heart tells me it has to be worth the wait, I just hope I'm not wrong, or it'd be the letdown of a lifetime. But then again, I guess we all get let down from time to time.
Lonely... so lonely.... and it just gets worse and worse with everyday that goes by. Every morning, a bit of motivation and hope from the previous day is gone. And now I find another holiday season upon me. I can't be with the one I love, the one my heart belongs to, and I think it's the worst pain of all. I'd rather be beheaded, because at least then, the immense sorrow and pain goes away instead of growing stronger. I once told myself I'd never let myself get in this deep, to the point that I didn't know how I'd ever get out of it if I had to. But, once again I've let noone down but myself, and noone but me will have to find the answer, and figure out how long to wait for a light to show me where I am supposed to go, and what I am supposed to do.

I envy those people, those that are happy in love, building their lives, creating new life from love...

Anyone else having these problems? is it just me being overanalytical as always? Please... feedback. You guys are my only rescue sometimes. I know several old friends are still "watching". And you have pulled me through so many times, not sure what I'd do without you guys. Adam, Richard, Vee, Scott, hell you all know who you are. Each and every one of you.
I promise, I'll be updating more regularly again. Definately need to vent some things.

brought to you from the creativity of my mind. Just designed another website for a friend's band. The bassist (my friend) used to be the bass player for Jackyl, and the guitarist used to play for David Allen Coe... so it's a rather cool thing to be designing their site :)

anywho, check it out if you feel so inclined. Update on life coming soon.

http://www.tragicallywhite.com

Well I guess it's time for me to make an update in this thing. If for nothing else than just to vent. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, on my life. The things I've learned, those I still haven't learned as well. But you know, even with all the crazy stuff, there really isn't that much to life. You live, you die, you smile, you cry, you laugh, you fight, you love, you lose. It's the same motions over and over and the point of the whole game is to make those motions count.. make the right moves, and win the upper hand.
I miss Fanny. More than ever lately have I really missed her. The trips we used to take, even moreso the late night talks we could always have. The way we were just always so comfortable with each other. I know that she is the best friend I will probably ever have in my life. And although now she is on the other side of the world going on with her life, I will never ever forget her, or the things she taught me. The times we had were great. It was by far, the best year of my life with her. We spent every moment together. I wonder often what she would think about my life now... what I have become, if we'd even get along anymore. I miss her little french accent... "I love you Moiki"... she was Ma Phan, and always will be. I will never ever forget how hard it was saying goodbye to her when she moved back to France. Some people are in and out of your life, gone as fast as they came, but then there are those who will stay with you forever, and she is one of those who will never leave me. She was the best friend anyone could ever ask for. We never judged each other, we had fun, we knew when to be serious and when to laugh, always loved each other, and always knew that the other was there for us, day or night. I miss that so much. I've never been able to share myself with someone that much again, and I really don't know why. I think of her so much, everytime I hear a french accent, see someone that looks like her, hell, even everytime I eat a biscuit. Oh how I wish I could find her again..... Chalk it up to another one of those things in life I guess. But damn, what I wouldn't give to talk to her now, and have her close to me again. I'll never have a larger regret than the fact we just haven't stayed in touch like we should have. And most of that is my fault. I have searched for her online,and once found a email address to which I wrote, but never got a response back. Maybe that's just the way God wanted it to be, but I have no doubt that someday my path will cross with her again, and it will be as though we never lost touch.

There are other people still too recent that I miss as well. It seems like there really aren't any people left in my life anymore, other than one. And although he means the world to me, I miss having someone I felt that I could talk to about anything openly. I miss Topher, I miss Nancy, I miss Louis. And although every now and then the cellphone will ring and I will see his number come up, I've never answered. I can't....
I had to let go of him and I have, but that will never mean I don't miss the friendship that he and I had.
Will never forget the nights of laying in his arms and talks that most people would never comprehend. There were several times I can think of off the top of my head, that he was the only person who was really there for me at a very crucial point in my life. I feel bad sometimes that our friendship ended the way it did... not sure it was fair, but it was just the way it had to be. So is life.

Life moves on, keeps going, the road just keeps taking turns, climbing mountains,...and it's up to you whether or not you follow it. Why stand at the bottom of the hill and stop, when you can make it to the top and look out and get the grande overview of how beautiful everything is and can be. I stopped for a long time.... and now I'm finally making my way to the top. Things are good.

To Fanny: Je taime baby. I miss you more than you will ever imagine. You are a part of my soul. Your voice still in my head, the one I turn to when I just can't figure it out anymore. You are amazing.

timebomb waiting to explode?



You are the Borderline NUKE, You try to show that
you're calm, but you're ready to explode, but
in all honesty, you probably need anger
management. It will ease all that built up
anger, man, those facial ticks might be
permanent if you don't help yourself. Military
experiments are your best bet.


What anger personality do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Received this today and found it very inspiring... wanted to share it with everyone out there. Read and heed, understand what it says.
~~~~~~~~~
There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to take a close look at herself. Not at her circumstance, not at what he did, not how unfair life is, not who made you do it, just at herself in all her glory and imperfection. For many woman this is a scary thing because often times they don't want to know the truth about themselves. Real
women know what I mean. As women, we have a tendency to water one another down. Maybe it makes us feel good or look better than the next woman. Or maybe we just don't know how to tell that woman how we admire her.
Have you ever admired a woman who has been through changes in her life? Or have you made up in your mind that she is just messed up. Before you make this mistake, take a close look. A woman who has endured the most unusual life is someone of wisdom. Someone who has been chosen by Godto go through. Think of all the great women in the bible, Mary
Magdalene and Esther to name a few.

Mary was a prostitute. A very uneasy woman. But by the time God was done with her, She was his closest follower. Esther was unfortunate in marrying an abusive man. By the time God was done with her, she married one of the wealthiest men in the land.
Have you ever admired the strength of a single mother? Or have you made up your mind that it's too bad she had children on her own. A single mother knows no bounds when it comes to her children. She is strong and durable. Single mothers are strong. Not because she has to be, but because it comes natural for her to protect the extensions of her very being. Her love for her children is like that of fuel to a car. Most mothers keep their tanks full because they understand if it runs low you could jeopardize the car and have problems in the long run. Other women only fill it when it is needed. Their cars usually break down.

Have you ever wondered why some women are not approachable? Or have you made up your mind that she is just mean. A quiet woman is a smart woman. She is valuable. She doesn't go off half-cocked and she won't be the one to argue with you over nothing. She just may even let you go on in your “setting her straight" and politely back out without a fight. She doesn't let many in her world. After all, she has probably been through the fire and had to rebuild. So why let just anyone in? This is usually the woman that only gives "small talk" and knows her place, which is away from all the unnecessary things in life.

Have you ever wondered why that woman is so loud? Well, hey she has a lot to say. These are usually our younger women who have to learn refrain. They are eager and unsettled. They do before they think and they do not think before they talk. They just go.

Have you ever wondered about that woman who appears to have everything, yet is still very unhappy? Well, she doesn't have everything. She doesn't have personal validation. This is something that cannot be bought. This is something developed over many mistakes and challenges that have taught lessons of the unbearable.

Women are so quick to beat the next one down instead of trying to hold her up. Before you wonder, "What's up with her?" Ask yourself, "What's up with me?"

Pass this to all the women in your life. Encourage and Love, Forgive and Forget, and trust that the woman that receives this will be touched in some way.

um yes bitch, I was referring to you. *ghastly laugh*.....

get a life. And stay out of everyone else's.

"Oh the tangle web we weave, when we first practice to deceive......"

had to change my journal to friends only, since there are people in the world who have nothing
better to do than meddle in the lives of others.

no it's not a depressing thing. Just been listening to Journey all night and the song "Who's Cryin Now" happened to be playing, which I've loved this song since I was little and thought hey, that'll make a good subject. (I hate coming up with subjects in here)

So, life hasn't changed much. My grandmother (dad's mom) passed away on May 8th. Was hard, yet it wasn't... I wasn't close to her, but the fact it was a family member dying got to me. But she lived a long life, so I guess we can thank God for that.
Still working at Equant, although I'm getting rather sick of it. I told the temp agency to start looking for something else for me, this is by far not the job I agreed to do for 9.00 an hour. We'll see if they offer me more money, and if not, well hasta luego!

I'm enjoying Memphis more these days, although I don't go out much unless it's a cat rescue event (LOL) ... I've just enjoyed driving around the city lately and out into the country, seeing how pretty it is. I do like it here. I have decided that I'm not going to Miami for school. Everytime I think about it, it's just not me anymore. Big party city, dirty, nasty people.... just don't want to be around it. My sister and I are contemplating moving to Victoria, Canada together. She was up there this month for a vacation and my goodness is it ever beautiful. I'm going to go up there with her in September if I can... if we don't take our road trip there first. Sis and I decided a few weeks ago that when Caitlyn leaves, she and I are taking a week or two and going on a roadtrip. Just the two of us. And honestly, I'm looking forward to it a lot. I love my sister. I'm not closer to anyone else on the earth than I am her.... she means so much to me, I really don't know what I'd do without her. She is really the one person on the earth who knows EVERYTHING about me. She is my best friend, always there for me, and always has been. Other people come in and out of my life... but I guess that's what makes a sister special. I know I can always talk to her about anything, and she will be completely honest with me, and know me well enough to give me advice on anything. LOL

Have been working on more websites. This is a good thing... been relaxing for me.

I did my first real cat rescue recently. Trapped a beautiful calico girl outside of walmart, and I am taking care of her in the garage. I have named her Athena. She's going to get fixed on Tuesday, and then I will work with her seeing as I think she will be very easy to tame and get adopted to a good home. Here's a pic of her


Isn't she pretty!?

Caitlyn leaves next Saturday to move to her dad's house in Kansas. I'm really getting sad about it lately. I love that kid... she may have issues, but who didn't at the age of 13. I will miss her a lot when she goes. Cait - I love you kiddo.. and you know I will always be here for you no matter what happens. You are and always will be my midget :) I can only hope that moving will be everything you want it to be, and you can find happiness in something.

Love still hurts. I'm starting to wonder if it ever stops hurting. It's weird how things that can make you the happiest person on earth can turn around and hurt so much in an instant. But I try to stay on the positive side. Someday, I will find someone with a heart like mine, and in it find love and happiness.

Well I have to get up early in the morning to do a black cat adoption day at the shop, so I'm going to stop here... too many more thoughts to even think about typing out, I"ll just use them as a reason to have a hard time falling asleep.


I miss you. you know who you are.
~~~ME

I am a drooling baby kitten....**falls over**


Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

just for those wondering out there... yes I'm still alive, and somewhat - kickin'. :)
Busy busy busy... Still working fulltime and started volunteering a few weeks ago with the local cat rescue organization here in Memphis called Mewtopia. (http://www.mewtopia.org)... its' been tons of fun. ...and I start school in February for nightclasses. YAY

Anyway thought I'd post a coupla new pics of me. Enjoy, or don't...

I saw a quote in someone's journal recently that described how I've felt the past few weeks and the inner turmoil I have been experiencing perfectly.
"The hardest thing you'll ever have to do is learn to say goodbye" .

But as hard as it may be.. it's something I must do for the goodness of myself. To those who have cared about me, thank you for all of your support and help and I'm sorry it must be this way... but my life must go on. For those who think this is a suicide note... get real - I'm not that weak. I have begun a new life and thus, my past must remain behind me and stay there. But I have realized that as long as I keep carrying so much of my past with me, I will never truly start fresh.


It's time for a fresh start.

So I bid you adieu..and wish you all the best in life. Remember me as you wish, though I hope it's fondly.


*FIN*


Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.